depression

I’ve spent the past several weeks dealing with illness and writing very little. I’m a little blocked, but more importantly I have zero creative energy. Depression is a mood disorder, but it turns out there may be an underlying neurological disorder in my case. If I test positive for Myoclonus-Dystonia, it will explain most of my sleep, voice, and mood issues. I’ve had bad shakiness since I was very young- my kindergarten teacher told my mom to take me to a neurologist, but my mother ignored this advice. I cannot hold my hands steady and have terrible fine motor control. When I play the violin, my vibrato is irregular and jerky. When I sing, my voice tires very quickly because my vocal cords get overworked from random spasms. I cannot cut anything with precision and nobody let me handle dissections in biology class. When I hold a mug of hot liquid, the liquid will move around and escape if it is three-quarters full.

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Five days ago, I wrote over a thousand words in a sitting. When I started working on my story, I could get four or five hundred words per hour. I have almost doubled that if I am properly prepared and undistracted. It’s quite a rush to have that much improvement, even if it’s dreck. I think of it as a skeleton, I will rearrange it later.

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